Contributed by: Ann Marriage in the Lord’s Way, Part Two
By Elder Cree-L Kofford
Of the Seventy
Ensign, July 1998, 15
Responses to commonly asked questions about preparing for a temple sealing
Kerstyn and Tom, It was
thoughtful of you to respond to my recent letter (see Ensign, June, 1998, 6). I
will attempt to answer the various questions you raised and add a few thoughts of my own.
You will recall that we earlier discussed many aspects of the Lord’s way, including
the physical and spiritual beauty of His home, why temple marriage is different, what the
sealing ordinance is, and the significance of the Holy Spirit of Promise.
Why Should You Marry in
the Temple?
Tom, you mentioned that one
of your friends couldn’t see why you felt it was so important to have your marriage
solemnized in the temple. I hope you took the opportunity to share parts of my earlier
letter with him. You might find the following list of reasons useful in your future
discussions:
- Because God said so. I don’t mean to be disrespectful,
but I don’t know any other way to say it. It seems to me that the Lord has said in
about as many ways as it can be said that there is only one way—His way. I don’t
know that those who would like to be Saints of God need any reason other than that.
- Because being sealed in the temple is the only way you can
begin to qualify to:
a. Have your marriage continue forever.
b. Have your family, stretching in both directions from you, joined together in a family
organization forever.
c. Have the opportunity of eternal increase.
d. Have the opportunity one day to become like our Heavenly Father.
- Because there are special blessings for which you qualify by
having your marriage solemnized in the temple. These blessings flow out of your obedience
and will continue to come as you continue to be obedient to your covenants.
- Because it tells you a lot about your wife, with whom
you’re going to be spending the rest of this life and all of eternity:
a. She believes as you do and has the same spiritual goals you have.
b. She has been obedient to the commandments of God and hence qualifies to be allowed to
enter the house of the Lord.
c. She is willing to make commitments to God, to you, and to herself that will lead to
eternal life.
- 5. Because it serves as a great self-assessment for you as
to your individual worthiness and commitment.
What Should You Do to Prepare to Go to the Temple?
Preparing to go to the
temple involves the obvious steps of living the commandments, fasting, and praying. Beyond
the obvious, I recommend the following steps. I suggest you:
- Carefully and honestly evaluate your level of obedience to
God’s commandments. To do that, find some place to be alone. I suggest you take a
piece of paper and write down every commandment you have been counseled to live. Arrange
those commandments in descending order with the hardest for you to live on the top. Then
figuratively look yourself in the eye and do an inventory on how you are doing on each of
those items. I hope you will not stop that self-interview until you have committed
yourself to full and total obedience. Then go out and be obedient.
All too often, we get ourselves enmeshed in the process of trying to understand why God
gave us a particular commandment. We want to rationalize. I don’t know where that is
more evident than in watching movies. Young people know they should not watch R- or
X-rated movies, and yet time after time I hear them say, "Well it’s only rated R
because it’s violent." What difference does it make why it is rated R? The fact
is, a prophet of God has said not to go to R-rated movies (see, for example, Ezra Taft
Benson, "To the ‘Youth of the Noble Birthright,’ " Ensign, May
1986, 45). That ought to be good enough.
There is no substitute for obedience.
Obedience has been described as the first law of heaven, and the longer I live, the more
convinced of that I become. I never cease to thrill at the story of Helaman and his
stripling warriors told in the Book of Mormon. Even though 2,060 of the young men
"fought most desperately" (Alma
57:19) in battle, not one lost his life. What everyone may not know is that they
qualified for this mighty miracle by their obedience. Their leader, Helaman, says of them:
"They did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness"
(Alma 57:21; emphasis added).
- Using the Topical Guide in the LDS scriptures, read and
ponder the references under "endowment," "marriage," and
"temples."
- Seek to find out as much as possible about the temple from
published sources. In that regard, I would particularly recommend the following:
a. The Holy Temple, by President Boyd K. Packer.
b. Ensign, February 1995, 2-5, 32-51.
c. New Era, June 1971, February 1987, and March 1997.
-
- Participate in a stake-sponsored temple preparation class.
Every stake or district in the Church has, or should have, a program designed to review
with every person going to the temple for the first time various items of information
which have been made available from Church headquarters. Usually this is done on a
stakewide or districtwide basis by someone designated by the presiding authority. The
resource material provides great help.
-
- Seek to focus yourself spiritually so you are spiritually
prepared when you enter the temple. In this way the techniques of instruction used in the
temple will be more understandable to you, and you will be thrilled by the depth and
beauty of the teachings you will experience.
Why Do You Need a Recommend to Go to the Temple?
As both of you already know,
you are required to obtain authorization from your bishop and your stake president before
you’re allowed to enter the house of the Lord. If you qualify, they will issue you a
temple recommend. Before they issue that recommend, they will each interview you
thoroughly. They will ask you a series of questions from which you and they will make a
determination as to your readiness to enter the house of the Lord. Among other things,
those questions will deal with testimony, integrity, chastity, faithfulness in living
various commandments, personal habits, and affiliations. Your bishop will be happy to
review these with you. Set up an early interview with your bishop or branch president to
review the temple recommend questions and to ensure you can honestly and properly answer
each of those questions. In that way, if a change of conduct or repentance will be
required, you will be able to discuss it with your bishop or branch president in adequate
time to allow it to occur before seeking a recommend.
Occasionally, someone will
want to know why you have to have a temple recommend to get in the temple. The following
thoughts may help you answer the question:
- First, once you enter the temple, you are expected and
required to live the covenants you will make there. If you have any doubt about your
willingness or ability to live those covenants, then my counsel is that you wait to go to
the temple until you don’t have any doubts.
One scripture which deals with this is Doctrine and Covenants 132:3 [D&C 132:3]: "Therefore,
prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you;
for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same"
(emphasis added).
If you understand that scripture, you begin to understand why the Lord has set sentries at
His doors for the protection of those who would unwittingly enter in and become subject to
living covenants which they are not prepared to live. Thus, in a real way, the temple
recommend is an indication of the Lord’s love for His children, a measure to ensure
our readiness to attend the temple. The temple recommend interview allows us to evaluate
ourselves and determine whether or not we are prepared to undertake the covenants that we
will make. When a recommend is not issued, far from indicating the person has been
rejected, it is in reality an expression of caring concern for the unprepared.
- A second reason is suggested by several scriptures, one of
them recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 109:20 [D&C 109:20]: "No unclean
[unworthy] thing shall be permitted to come into thy house to pollute it."
This and similar verses place a commandment upon those who are administratively
responsible to safeguard the temples that no unclean thing should enter. Thus, the temple
recommend not only serves as a safeguard for the person seeking admission to the temple
but also serves to allow those who have responsibility for guarding the gateway to the
temple to discharge their duty and to fulfill their covenants. A stake president or a
bishop who knowingly or negligently allows someone who is unclean to enter the house of
the Lord is accountable for that disobedience. Similarly, an individual seeking to gain
admission to the temple who lies or withholds important information during the interview
process likewise is held accountable.
Thus, as this principle applies to you, a temple recommend interview allows you, as an
individual son or daughter of God, to determine if, in fact, you are sufficiently worthy
to enter the house of the Lord. Thus, once you have given full and honest answers to the
interview questions, and have been found by yourself and your priesthood leaders to be
worthy to enter the house of the Lord,you may know that you are there in compliance with
the admonition that no unclean thing should enter His house. I have always taken great
comfort from the fact that even though I am not perfect, and even though I make mistakes,
I am living at a level satisfactory to allow me entrance to the Lord’s house. That
comfort is based upon the availability of the temple recommend interview.
Should You Receive Your Endowment on the Day Scheduled for Your
Sealing?
Kerstyn, I know you’ve
been wrestling with whether you should receive your endowment before the day you’re
scheduled to be sealed. I’m unaware of any edict or requirement one way or the other,
but in my opinion it is preferable, where possible, to go to the temple and receive your
endowment a few days before the sealing.
Occasionally, I am asked
whether I think a young couple should go through an endowment session on the day of their
sealing but prior to being sealed, even though they have been previously endowed. I think
that is a matter of individual preference, even though I think it tends to put your mind
in the proper frame to participate in the sealing ordinance. A challenge to receiving your
endowment and participating in the sealing ordinance on the same day is that sometimes the
exhaustion factor can make it hard to fully appreciate your experience in the temple. Just
try to understand yourself, know what the advantages and disadvantages are, and then make
a decision based upon your individual circumstances.
Is There Anything Special
You Should Do on the Day You Go to the Temple?
During our discussions,
we’ve talked a time or two about the day you go to the temple, whether that’s
for your own endowment, as will be the case with Kerstyn, or whether it’s to
participate in the sealing ordinance. Here are one or two suggestions I hope will be
helpful:
- Try to organize your activities, time, and commitments in
the days prior to going to the temple in such a way as to get quality rest and appropriate
exercise so that on the day of the temple experience you will be in good physical
condition.
- Read, meditate, and study the scriptures on a regular basis.
In suggesting this, I’m not so concerned about your learning new things from the
scriptures as I am about refining your spirit. Reading and pondering the scriptures simply
has a way of doing that.
- Some time shortly before you go to the temple ask your
father and mother to dedicate a family home evening to instruction on the temple, followed
by a period of testimony sharing and expressions of family love. If your circumstances are
such that this is not possible, then perhaps a period of time with your home teachers,
your priesthood or Relief Society leaders, or the bishop would be helpful.
- On the day of attending the temple, wear appropriate
clothing so that as you enter the house of the Lord, you do so as a welcome guest. Avoid
immodest clothing and ostentatious jewelry.
- Plan the activities of the temple day such that they focus
on the spiritual. I realize that is extremely hard to do when you’re talking about
being sealed. There are many times when people come from out of town who want to express
their best wishes. Sometimes there is a meal; usually there is a reception. All too often
you are so exhausted you are unable to comprehend the significance of what you have
experienced. Frequently you become so caught up in the things of the world that it becomes
difficult, if not impossible, to fully appreciate the things of God. Realizing that
sometimes it simply can’t be done, do everything you can to move as many social
commitments off that day as possible. Often we cheat ourselves out of the greatest
spiritual experiences of our lifetime by being too wrapped up in temporal things.
- Remember that your wedding day is not a social experience
with a tinge of the spiritual, but rather it is a spiritual experience with a tinge of the
social.
How Many Should You Invite to Witness Your Sealing?
At different times during
our talks, you have both raised the question of how many you should invite to go with you
to the temple. I hope that by now you’ve had enough counsel in my letters that you
can answer that question yourselves. However, just to be sure that we understand each
other, let’s review one or two facts:
- The sealing ordinance is a crowning ordinance of the temple.
- The sealing ordinance is the gateway to eternal
life—that is, the kind of life God lives.
- The sealing ordinance has been established by God for His
children, and as such it is the Lord’s way.
Based on the foregoing, my opinion would be that you invite those
people to participate in witnessing your sealing who meet the following criteria:
- Their relationship is so meaningful to you that it would
contribute to the spiritual character of that which you are about to experience.
- They have the spiritual maturity to understand what is
occurring and provide you with the spiritual support which you will need and desire.
Usually these guidelines mean fewer people, not more. I realize there
are some practicalities involved in the counsel I’m giving. I know there is always a
brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or someone else who really doesn’t fit what I’ve
outlined but who would be highly offended if they were not invited. In those
circumstances, I would seek the counsel of your parents or bishop.
What about Nonmember
Parents or Relatives?
Kerstyn, you have expressed
concern about the nonmembers in your family. One of the greatest emotional pressures on
brides or grooms is when parents or other close relatives are not members of the Church.
They generally don’t understand what’s going on, nor do they have any
appreciation for it. In the case of parents, their whole lives have been lived in
anticipation of the time when they would see their son or daughter married in the only
kind of marriage with which they have any familiarity. So when you announce to them that
you are going to the temple and they cannot attend, they naturally feel a great loss and a
great exclusion. What do you do? How do you handle it? The answers are probably as
different as the various kinds of individuals involved, but here are a few ideas that
might help:
- First, be very understanding of their feelings, and,
as much as possible, help them comprehend what’s going to occur and why they
can’t be with you. Some of the thoughts I have already expressed may be of some help
in accomplishing this objective.
- Even as you do that, however, I would not do it in a tone of
apology but in great love. You need not be apologetic about God’s ways. You should,
however, be empathetic and understanding of their emotions.
- Try to make them feel as much a part of what’s going on
that day as you can. Invite them to come to the temple, and arrange for someone to be with
them while you are in the temple. It’s possible they might like to go through the
visitors’ center, if available, or do any of a number of other activities available,
including just enjoying the beautiful grounds that surround the temple. As you leave the
temple for pictures and other activities, you can rejoin your relatives and involve them
in all that’s going on.
You may want to arrange with your bishop to hold a meeting for those who don’t have
temple recommends. This meeting could include prayer, music, and remarks by a priesthood
holder, but it should not include a ceremony or the exchange of vows.
Over the years, I’ve seen such activities a number of times, and when they were
handled properly I have never yet seen a nonmember or less-active member take offense. If
they know how much this temple ordinance means to you, they will give you the support you
desire.
- The Brethren counsel Church members not to perform a
marriage ceremony following the temple sealing. Occasionally, you’ll find a young
couple who will want to do a mock ceremony "so my mother won’t feel left
out." But that makes a mockery out of your temple sealing. It will impact all that
happens to you in the temple. You will not enjoy the same level of spiritual involvement
and spiritual enlightenment you would otherwise have received. And you will find that you
do not satisfy those not able to attend the temple ceremony. Your bishop will be happy to
discuss with you those kinds of activities which would be appropriate following the temple
sealing.
What Should You Know about Wearing the Temple Garment?
Kerstyn, having never been
to the temple, you’re going to have questions about how to wear the temple garment.
You’ll have the basis for answering most of those questions if you will listen to the
counsel given to you in the temple. Always remember that one of the covenants we make is
to wear the garment properly. Though it would be inappropriate to discuss some items about
the garment in this letter, here are some thoughts I hope will be useful.
My counsel is that you wear
the temple garment at all times, with a few exceptions which your bishop is prepared to
discuss with you. Never tuck, pin, sew, cut, or fold the temple garment in order to make
it fit under the clothing you may desire to wear. Wear the garment as it was designed to
be worn, and then find outer clothing which appropriately covers it. If you find yourself
in circumstances where clothing styles are not consistent with wearing the garment, then
change clothing styles. That may mean you don’t wear shorts, tank tops, or other
articles of clothing that are just not consistent with properly wearing the garment. The
length of dresses, shorts, and other articles of clothing should be consistent with that
guideline.
Frequently, people will want
to know if it’s all right to take off the garment to mow the lawn, wash the car, or
participate in other household or business activities. The answer in one word is no.
What if you’re participating in athletics? It is possible to wear the temple garment
properly while participating in a large number of athletic activities. In those situations
where that is not possible, then, as we’ve been instructed, it would be permissible
to remove the garment during the period of time you are engaging in that particular
activity. I would not, however, remove my garment a long time prior to participating, and
I would replace it as soon as I could appropriately do so after I had completed
participation. Activities such as swimming, competitive basketball, and competitive tennis
may fall in this category.
I will add, strictly as a
personal opinion because of what the garment means to me, that if I had a hobby that did
not allow me to wear my garment properly, I would rather change hobbies than go without
the garment.
Does a Temple Sealing
Guarantee You Will Live Happily Ever After?
Kerstyn and Tom, I would
like to talk to you about one last critical subject. Before doing so, let me once again
tell you how proud I am of the two of you for being worthy of the high and holy honor of
participating in the sealing ordinance. It will grace your lives as long as you live, and
you will forever be grateful for the privilege of participating in this singular
ordinance.
However, you need to
understand that even being married in the Lord’s way does not necessarily mean there
won’t be disagreements, arguments, moments of despair, and times of trial. Being
sealed in the temple is a great start, but it only works as long as you’re both
totally obedient to the covenants you make. There isn’t anything about being sealed
at the altar of the temple that will stop you from having disagreements on various aspects
of your relationship, particularly in the early years.
You’ll face dozens of
questions, as all of us who have been married before you have faced. Do you sleep with the
window open or closed? Which kind of toothpaste will you use? How much is too much to pay
for an item of clothing? What’s acceptable entertainment? And the list goes on and
on. Just know that the hundreds of thousands of us who have preceded you in marriage have
gone through lists like yours. We’ve succeeded in resolving most of them and, in some
cases, have agreed to disagree on others. But through it all, three things have been very
clear to all of us who stand ahead of you in the line of marriage: we made a commitment to
God, we made a commitment to each other, and we will keep those commitments.
I don’t mean to imply
that being sealed in the temple doesn’t give you an edge. It definitely does!
In the first place, you will have come into the marriage free of serious sin, clean and
pure in the eyes of the Lord. You have come to Him in obedience to His commandments, and
as a result you become heirs to the blessings which that obedience brings. As you live the
covenants, commitments, and promises you make, you will find that other matters simply
tend to disappear. One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty: whenever there is a
difficulty between a husband and wife in their marriage relationship that is serious
enough to threaten that relationship, one or the other (or both) is not living the gospel
of Jesus Christ. That means that one or both of the marriage partners are not keeping the
covenants, commitments, and promises they made at the altar of the temple. If you love God
enough and follow His teachings, everything else will work out just fine and you will be
blessed to find solutions.
Your marriage, even though
started in the sealing room of the temple, will still require dedicated effort. It will
require understanding, love, forgiveness, patience, and every other virtue of which you
can possibly think. There may be days when you cry, and there may be disagreements. But
remember this—you are working and building a relationship that will live through
eternity. That can and will occur so long as you both love your Heavenly Father and live
His teachings. One day you’ll wake up and realize that you’re married to the
most marvelous person in the world, and you’ll thank God for the fact that you can be
together forever.
Your friend,
Elder Cree-L Kofford
Let’s Talk about It
This article may furnish
material for a family home evening discussion or for personal consideration. You might
consider questions such as:
- What are some ways you can prepare for your temple sealing?
- Why is it important to allow time to make the temple portion
of your wedding or sealing day a peaceful and spiritual experience?
- Does a temple sealing mean you will live happily ever after?
Bridal Dress Guidelines for Temple Sealing
The sealing for time and
eternity of a man and a woman in the holy temple is a joyous occasion. In order to
maintain the peace and sanctity of the event, Church leaders, which include stake
presidents, bishops, and presidents of the Relief Society or Young Women, have a
responsibility to counsel with those who are to be sealed regarding guidelines for temple
bridal dresses. Understanding the guidelines before sewing or buying a temple bridal dress
prevents the distress of bringing an inappropriate dress to the temple for the sealing
ceremony.
Brides should also be aware
that beautiful and tasteful bridal dresses are available in many of the temples for use
during temple ordinances and sealings. Here are guidelines for brides who choose to bring
their own dresses to the temple (adapted from "Brides’ Dresses for Temple
Marriages," Bulletin, 1992, no. 1, p. 2):
- Brides’ dresses are to be white. Dresses are to be
below the knee in length but do not have to be full length; pants or pantsuits are not
permitted.
- Dresses should be modest in design and fabric and free of
elaborate ornamentation.
- Sheer fabrics should be lined.
- A high or modestly scooped neckline and long sleeves are
required.
- If the dress has a train, the train is to be removed while
in the temple.
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