In
that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There
were no features except for the one wall covered by small index card files. These
files stretched from floor to ceiling and went endlessly in both directions. As I
drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read,
"Boys I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I
quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names on each one. I then
realized where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude
catalog system of my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and
small, in every detail. A sense of wonder and curiosity mixed with horror
stirred within me as I began opening files and looking at their contents.
Some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense of shame and regret so intense
that I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named,
"Friends" was next to the one marked, "Friends I Have
Betrayed". The titles ranged from he mundane to the weird, "Books I Have
Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I
Have Laughed At", "People I Have Hurt". Some were almost funny in
their exactness. "Things I Have Done in Anger", :Things I Have Muttered
Under MY Breath at My Parents". Often
there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes, fewer than I had hoped. I was
overwhelmed by the volume of life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the
time in my young life to write each of these thousands or millions of cards? But
each card confirmed this truth, each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed
with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked, "Songs I Have
Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain the contents. The cards
were packed tightly, yet after two or three yards I hadnt found the end of
the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much of the quality of the music, but more by
the amount of time I knew it represented. When I came to the file marked,
"Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file
out inch by inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at
the details. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. A rage
broke through me. "No one must see these cards. No one must ever see this
room. I have to destroy them." In a frenzy, I yanked the file out. Its size
didnt matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. I took it out and
pounded it on the floor. Not a single card would come out. I desperately
pulled out a card and tried to rip it, but it was as strong as steel. Leaning my forehead
against the wall, I let out a sigh, then I saw it. The title, "People I Have
Shared the Gospel With". The handles were brighter than those around it, newer,
almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box fell into my hands. I could
count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to cry. Sobbing so
deep it hurt my stomach. I fell on my knees and cried out in shame. The rows of
shelves whirled around me. No one must ever know of this room. I must lock it
up and hide the key. But as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please,
not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus! I watched helplessly as He began to open the files
and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. In the moments that I could
bring myself to look at His face, I saw sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to go
to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked
at me with pity in His eyes. But this wasn't a pity that angered me. I dropped my
head and began to cry again. But He didnt say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the
room, he took out a card and one by one He began to sign His name over mine.
"NO!: I shouted, rushing at Him. All I could find to say was, "NO,
NO", as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldnt be on those cards.
But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name JESUS covered
mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the cards back. He smiled a sad smile
and began to sign all the cards. I do not think I will ever understand how he did it
so quickly. But, the next instance it seemed, I heard Him close the last file
and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is
finished", I stood up and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on the
door. There are still cards to be written. --
Author Unknown
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